When I think about myself as a little girl, I remember being constantly told that I’m pretty. That I look cute. That I’m beautiful. And I never really questioned that. I didn’t have to think why. And I didn’t care because that was a given fact.
But then teenage years came around and something fundamentally changed. When I look back on it now, it seems like suddenly everyone around me started to care and talk about what “pretty” and “beautiful” actually is and how girls and boys should look. Beauty somehow turned into this weird cult and I couldn’t really get a grasp of what was happening. This whole situation confused me and then hit me like a ton of bricks. Suddenly I needed validation from other people, especially from teenage boys, to believe that I’m pretty and worth something. And you know, it didn’t take a lot of time to realize that I indeed wasn’t pretty. Probably like at all. But it felt like I NEEDED to be pretty. It felt like I don’t really have that much to offer if I’m not. And it kind of messed me up.
“Pretty” turned into this hidden gem that I knew existed somewhere but I didn’t know where to search for it. But I absolutely HAD to find it. Because I thought “pretty” would make me happy. I thought that “pretty” is all you really need. Because boys only like pretty girls, right?
Suddenly I was nitpicking every little part o myself trying to find what’s wrong with me. I was desperately trying to mold myself into some kind of a mysterious form that would allow me to look at myself and finally see the prettiness that I lacked. But nothing was ever enough. I was destined to fail every single time.
And when I think about it now, it makes me so damn mad. It makes me mad that this girl that I used to be had go through all this crap. And it makes me mad that I still have these scars from the past somewhere deep within me. SCREW it. Screw it. Screw it. This whole idea of having to fit into the box of standards that don’t even make sense is so frustrating to me. What even is “pretty”? Why does it matter so damn much?
I read this quote somewhere that went something like “it’s not about convincing yourself that your body is beautiful, but it’s about allowing yourself to live regardless”. And I think it’s so true. I constantly notice tons of post on tumblr and other social media telling that you kind of have to convince yourself that every part of your body is beautiful, which is good in a way, but maaan I don’t know. I feel like it misses the point. The point is that you don’t have to be beautiful or pretty or anything, really. You’re you and that’s enough. Period. That’s all that really matters.
We’re unique and we’re human and I think that’s the thing that we should actually pay attention to. There are so many things that are far more important in life. I’m glad that I see it now.
Mom jeans – H&M
Shirt – Newyorker
Coat – Newyorker
Shoes – Deichmann
Sunglasses – ZARA